Death Doula Q+A with Michael Hawley, Mr Death Doula help navigate the dying process, offering companionship, guidance, and assistance
A death doula, also known as an end-of-life doula, provides emotional, spiritual, and practical support to individuals who are dying and their families. They help navigate the dying process, offering companionship, guidance, and assistance with planning and legacy projects.
The field of Death Doula-ing is relatively new and in the process of defining itself.
AfterThis created this Q+A to help explain the role and introduce people working in the profession.
Michael Hawley’s calling to death work stems from his personal and professional experiences during the AIDS crisis in San Francisco, where he cared for numerous friends in their final moments. He also served as the primary caregiver for his mother who faced dementia and blindness. Through these journeys, he realized the importance and impact of providing comfort and support to those nearing the end of their lives. As an end of life doula, he offers a holistic and humanistic approach to death, viewing it as a natural and inevitable part of life. He guides and supports individuals through their physical, emotional, spiritual, and practical needs, creating a space for meaningful and peaceful closure.
https://mrdeathdoula.com/
Do you recall the first time you learned of this work/heard the title of “Death Doula” and what was your initial reaction?
I began hearing the term a couple years ago. I recall being curious about it, but not curious enough at that time to inquire further.
What was the impetus for you to pursue Death Doula training?
In being the primary caregiver for my mother, specifically in the last few months of her life, I realized that I am able to being 100% present at those times and contribute whatever it is that is needed. I consider that as awakening to being called to this work.
What do you wish more people understood about the dying process?
I wish more people understood that death is a natural part of our existence. Our bodies know how to die and while the process may be uncomfortable at times, it can also be rewarding and life affirming.
What is your absolute go-to action in this space- a question you always ask, a task you always perform etc, what you consider your essential ‘tool’? Do you work with specific spiritual or cultural traditions in your practice, or do you adapt based on the needs of each client?
It is important to meet people wherever they are in the process with their thoughts and beliefs. The most important question is, “what do you want”? It is common to have to discover this through conversations as the person discovers it for themselves. I am open to the spiritual and cultural practices of the person dying and those who love them.
Have you seen the perception of death shift in your community over the years?
I believe the perception is beginning to shift and an increasing number of people awakening to the opportunity for us to embrace this and do it better.
How do you care for yourself after holding space for others through such intense emotional experiences?
I rely on my network for support. I am mindful of not overscheduling myself and maintaining self care through nutrition, exercise and meditation. Sometimes taking some time off is helpful.
What has been the biggest surprise about this work?
I am pleasantly surprised by how natural this feels to me and the level of fulfillment that I
derive.
What would you characterize as the perfect ending?
The perfect ending is one of completion. Nothing is left unexpressed and all is communicated. Forgiveness of the self and others is crucial.
Can you share a moment in this work that changed you or deepened your understanding of life?
Over thirty years ago, I had a dear friend dying of metastatic breast cancer.
I invited her over for dinner on the 4th of July. She stayed with me for six weeks. I took care of her and built a care team to support us both. Many people including her family said that I shouldn’t’ be doing this, it was not my responsibility. I felt she chose me because she was comfortable with me and felt safe. I was committed to her having it go exactly the way she wanted it to go. The experience was one of the greatest gifts I have been given.
Please leave us with your mission statement, your greatest desire in the death realm?
As a death doula, I believe that every person deserves the opportunity to experience a good death—one that is defined on their own terms, held with dignity, and supported with compassion. My mission is to walk alongside individuals and their loved ones through the end-of-life journey, offering presence, education, emotional support, and practical guidance. I honor each person’s unique story, values, and choices, creating space for peace, meaning, and connection at life’s threshold.
